Thursday, 25 August 2011

Heartache

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Why is it that even when someone hurts you beyond belief you cant help but love them still? I find myself in this situation more often than I would like to admit!!

I guess I'm too much of a good person. I like to forgive people for the bad things they do to me, I like to believe that people can change and I just get hurt over and over. I give my heart too freely and I never seem to learn!




Sometimes though, I have to hold up my hands and admit defeat! Some people are just nasty to the bone and those people cannot change no matter what! It pains me to admit that some people can be that way!!

I'm pining for a few friends I have lost this year. I guess I have made some bad choices and some worse choices and lost some friends who I loved so much. Thing is, I don't think they even realised what they meant to me!

I'm also missing my dad. Sad as it may sound. I was always Daddy's Little Girl. We were best friends and I never thought anything could change that but he did. He destroyed what we had and I tried countless times to fix it to no avail.



I think I'm getting sick anyway. I've had a mouth ulcer the size of a 5p for nearly two weeks now and none of the treatments will get rid of it!! Usually, a mouth ulcer is the start of me getting very sick!!



I absolutely detest being sick. Of course, no one LIKES to be sick but I really truly hate it!! My boyfriend makes a fuss of me and tells me off for getting out of bed (some people might like that, not me!!). I like to be able to do as I please and if I'm sick, I can't do that!! I also get very cranky when I'm sick which I dislike too!! 

I'm feeling a certain amount of listlessness and disaffection recently. I'm not entirely sure why this is. Nothing seems to be holding my attention for any amount of time, not even my most favourite pastimes!!



Hopefully I can get over this whatever it is and get back to being my usual self soon!! 

Looking for more suggestions for my next blog please!! 

Keep Smiling :(: 

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

People PISS ME OFF!

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(this is a ranty blog, you have been warned!)

Despite what the majority of people who know me think, I actually HATE people!

That's not to say I hate everyone. I just hate people in general!

For some reason, there is always someone trying to push their luck, trying to piss me off, trying to take advantage of me! Wise up fuckers! I will fucking annihilate you!

I'm a nice person until you cross me! It's simple, DON'T CROSS ME! 


I can go from zero to bitch in less than a second and the pain I can inflict on a person is unimaginable!

Anyway! I got myself a kitty recently.  I finally have someone to return my love! She is very lovely but she can be a pest occasionally as she explores my flat and gets herself stuck in the most ridiculous places!  I do love it though when she curls up on my lap and purrs!

I had a friend over this weekend so that cheered me up a lot! Had a great night out on Saturday despite my favourite haunt being closed! Ended up in Tiger Tiger instead! 


I got an appointment a few days ago with a psychiatrist. I was quite surprised since I was told it would take up to 8 weeks although I have to say, I'm not particularly looking forward to it! I've already been through this but it seems that it's "standard procedure". Since my new GP doesn't have my previous GP's notes yet... although, I don't see why they can't wait until they came through! I'm not impressed that she was trying to press medication on me again even though I distinctly said many times, I DO NOT WANT MEDICATION!! 



My College certificates came through recently which I am very happy about and a 'Congratulations' letter from UCAS confirming my place at university. Now I need to sort out a student bank account and pray my loans come through in time!! 

Time now to get my head back in the game and prepare for university!! 

I'd say on my scale at the moment I am at zero which is quite good, I've been there for a while now and I hope to stay a little longer!! 

Keep Smiling :):


Friday, 12 August 2011

Egomaniac?

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Today I asked my readers (on Facebook) to make some suggestions as to what they would like to read about. I like to blog my thoughts and feelings but I also like to help others learn and also make them see that they are not alone in feeling however they feel.

The one that I chose is as follows:

Please blog about self image. I would like to know that i am not the only one who sometimes really feels like not knowing herself anymore, a voice always popps in and contradicts/opposes/discou​rages me from doing something to a paralysing extent. Do u experience that?

I wrote a blog a while back now titled Who Am I? This blog discusses my confusion about my self. I was feeling like perhaps I had lost my identity because I am bipolar and all that I was was Bipolar.

Self image has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember. Looking back at childhood pictures of myself I can see that I wasn't a cute kid at all!! I have always found myself being put down for how I look as well. My brother used to say to me "Don't worry Kid you'll grow into it" on account of my strangely 'large' jaw! Looking back, I don't think it was actually that big!! He also used to nickname me "Desperate Dan" and "Brucie" [as in Bruce Forsyth]! When I started school I was often called ugly and skinny. Granted, I was painfully thin but not through starvation or anything like that! I guess I just had a high metabolism. I was always on the go!! 


From a young age, I never really cared about my image. I was a person the same as everyone else. I never saw skin colour, eye colour, hair colour, clothing etc. I just saw a person.

When I reached about 17, I became what some people would describe as 'self obsessed'. I noticed that somewhere in the previous months I'd grown some sizeable breasts and a very nice bottom! 

Narcism is a quality we all possess, it's the  extent of the narcism that matters.

I found that by dressing somewhat provocatively (NOT slutty) and being outwardly confident I could hide everything that was going on inside me.




The outward confidence became so natural to me I almost believed in it myself. When I left secondary school I attended college. For some unknown reason I was popular with a lot of my classmates and a lot of the guys I encountered. It became easy to 'show off' and be anyone I wanted to be! 

It was difficult to not let the popularity and my new found confidence go to my head.

Over the years I have refined this skill and I am now perfectly believable as a very happy and fully functioning human being! 



As a child, I was always very imaginative. I loved to read and would often 'disappear' inside the books I read, becoming the characters I was reading about. From this and from watching other people I began to learn how to act happy. 

I often created scenarios in my head of being asked to another child's birthday party or being asked to have a sleepover. These little 'fantasies' made me happy in a place I was unaware existed.

My teachers would often say that I needed to get my head out of the clouds! I didn't want to! I enjoyed being there!! 



I often find myself experiencing internal conflicts. This is like a voice inside my head telling me to do something differently or to change something about myself. It also tells me that I'm not good enough, that I'm a failure. Often I have to ignore this "voice"! 

From time to time, the "voice" becomes so loud inside my head it becomes deafening and I can't help but listen. When I start listening to the "voice" I start to self depreciate. I begin to believe that I am not good enough, that I'm a failure and this will often tip me into a depressive spiral.





As I got older, I refined my narcism so that I didn't appear arrogant or obnoxious although I know a lot of people (some close, some not) would absolutely disagree!! 

In person, I am genuinely extremely shy! I suffer with debilitating anxiety and I find myself floundering. I often can't think quick enough who I'm "supposed to be" around certain people or I make a misjudgement and present myself wrong. This had a sever impact on my social life but I'm not overly bothered by it as I have little interest in other people!! (Apart from my readers of course!!)

I have been on a journey of self discovery over the past few years and I have found out a number of things about myself. Not least that I am self abusive. 

By this I don't mean by harming myself (at least not in the cutting manner) but by taking on friendships/relationships that are bad for me with the belief that I can change the person. I often become obsessed with trying to see the good in these people despite everyone around me showing me that they're bad and that they simply cannot be changed.

My family were the first in a long list of people who took advantage of my generous nature. When I was younger I had a job that paid reasonably well for the age I was at and I had nothing in particular to spend it on given that I lived at home, had limited need for a mobile phone and had no interest whatsoever in following trends or fashion. To that end, I ended up buying lavish gifts for my family and doling out money whenever they asked with a promise of it's return! 



I guess I didn't mind it so much as they were my family, I felt I was duty-bound to look after them. I saw it that my mum had provided for me all my life and it was only right that I gave back where I could.

After some years, it became apparent to me that I was simply being treated as a cash machine! They would lay guilt on me.

" I haven't had a night out in so long" 
"I really need some new trainers, these ones have so many holes in them I might as well not wear them" (said by my brother who had more pairs of trainers than I care to remember)
"I need some food so my baby can eat. You wouldn't want your niece or nephew to starve would you?" (said by my then pregnant sister)
"I want to buy you a really nice birthday/christmas present"(Seriously!)
"The baby needs milk/food/nappies"

The list could go on! 



When I finally left home I found that I was completely high and dry! I had no money whatsoever and I was stuck! Not a single member of my family could (or would) help me out. I was more than willing to pay interest on anything they could help me out with yet their purses were shut tighter than a nun's bajingo! 

I could just hear that voice in the back of my head: 



Once I found myself a stable job I went back to my old ways, giving money out left right and centre! 

This eventually stopped (or slowed considerably) because of an ultimatum issued by one of my closest friend.

However, to this day, I still have spending issues!! I spend a LOT! I discovered buying and selling via Facebook was a very quick way of making and losing a lot of money! Luckily, I've never been into gambling (it scares the crap out of me) and so I spend a lot of money on things I neither need nor have use for!! 

Again, I hear that voice in my head repeating it's mantra!! 




Getting back to the point in hand, after years of practice, I have learnt to be precisely who people want me to me. 

Keep Smiling :(: 

Friday, 5 August 2011

FINALLY!!

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I finally went to the doctors yesterday!

My partner came with me which made me feel a little better!!

I don't get it when they say your appointment is at x o'clock and you don't get to see anyone until half past x. Do they not realise the effects of that on a person who suffers anxiety?!

If I'm honest, I'm a little frustrated with the whole thing! I have to go see a psychiatrist again and I might have to go to therapy again! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THERAPY!!!

I find that the therapists/psychiatrists/psychologists... whatever you want to call them... they're all the same! They're all suggestive. They try to make you say things you don't mean! They twist your words!




I had another such experience when I was younger with the police. I won't go into too much detail but I was a witness in a very big case and I had to be questioned. I knew what I saw, I knew what I was supposed to be telling them but they seemed to manipulate me and twist my words and essentially ended up writing a statement that could have been considered false!

The doctor recommended medication - of course! She was straight down that line, didn't even give it a moment's thought! Right away she was talking anti-depressants and lithium!

I had stressed that the reason I didn't see a doctor sooner was because I didn't want the meds but she either didn't hear me or simply ignored me!

She then started reeling off information about Bipolar Disorder, as if I don't already know!!

I don't know what it is with doctors, they just reduce everything down and make it seem so insignificant. She'd asked me if I'd been hospitalised and when I said no it was almost like she didn't think I actually had Bipolar Disorder! That's another reason I dislike doctors!! They just want to fill you full of pills and send you on your merry way!!





So, now I have to wait 6-8 weeks for a letter from a psychiatrist! More waiting... more anxiety...!

I'm hoping that the psychiatrist suggests something other than medication I don't want to have to take a whole cocktail of things. Anti-depressants, mood stabilisers, anti-anxiety, sleeping pills... I'm gonna be like a walking pill box and I want to avoid that at all costs!!



Well, it's time to play the waiting game once again... story of my life!!

At least I have a weekend away to... look forward to?!

Keep smiling! :):

Thursday, 4 August 2011

Head's in the shed!

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I've been feeling in a bit of a muddle the past few days!!

I guess I need to start choosing my friends more wisely!! Strange really since I've always had a very suspicious nature. I've always been suspicious that people have an ulterior motive for befriending me and I'm often proved to be right!!

That's not to say I have few friends!! I have many friends but only a handful are in that 'inner circle' and I actually don't think there's a single person who knows me inside and out! There's also the outer circle which is where the majority of people I encounter are placed. Finally I have a far outer circle. These would be just general people I could say hello to in the street but I wouldn't invite to a party!







It's funny how you react to betrayal! I guess it affects different people in different ways. In general, I don't overly care! It sounds harsh but the people in my "outer circle" of friends are... disposable I guess is the right word! These are people who I encounter in one aspect of my life or another and I can live with or without them. 

I guess my biggest problem is that I'm a helper. I like to help people! That's the kind of person I am and more often than not, it leads to me getting walked over! 






Once a person has gotten to my "inner circle" they have me in a position of extreme vulnerability. If they are in that circle they are there for a reason. It is hard to get there and often once people are there, they stay there. Unless, that is, they cross me. Once you have crossed me in that "inner circle" that is it. You are not just sent into exile, you are well and truly obliterated with zero chance of redemption!

Stupidly, I recently let someone come out of exile. Truth be told, I missed him. He was a very good friend - or so I thought!

He managed to disarm me, break down some of my barriers. Then he used it all against me! BASTARD!




Anywho! Another reason that my head is in the shed is I have a doctors appointment tomorrow (technically today)! I'm not feeling particularly good about it! It's only a first appointment, like an initiation or something! HA! 

I guess though that I have to take the chance whilst it's in my hands hey?! I suppose it can't hurt to just mention how I'm feeling. There's no obligation to take the doctor's advice or any prescribed medication.

I'm hoping this hot weather goes away soon!! It's too hot to be alive! The one thing I always gripe about is the heat! I'd happily live in Siberia!! 

My body reacts in the most ridiculous way to heat! I sweat enough as it is with the anxiety I suffer from (sorry if that's TMI!) and the last thing I need is extra heat added on!! I don't like to wear too few clothes, not least because of my self consciousness but also on account of my scars! 

So I usually feel like I'm melting!! 



Aside from the sweating, I also get REALLY cranky when it's hot! I get a headache and I feel tired and if anyone irritates me even slightly I will fly off the handle!! 

I'm heading away this weekend with the other half's family. Hopefully I can have a nice bit of relaxation time! We're staying in this country which takes away the hideousness of travel but we'll be close to the beach I believe!

Anywho, I'm getting tired and I know I'll be tossing and turning all night on account of my doctor's appointment so I better at least TRY to sleep!! 

Keep smiling! :(:

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

The Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head

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Rock of The Rocky Horror show sang a song: 


The Sword of Damocles is hangin' over my head
And I've got the feelin' someone's gonna be cuttin' the thread
Oh! Woe is me! My life is a misery
And can't you see
That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.

I woke up this mornin' with a start when I fell out of bed
And left from my dream it was a feelin' of un-nameable dread
My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go!
And all I know
Is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.

The Sword of Damocles is hangin' over my head
And I've got the feelin' someone's gonna be cuttin' the thread
Oh! Woe is me! My life is a mystery
And can't you see
That I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.









My obsession with the Rocky Horror Show started when I was quite young. I don't specifically remember the age but I'd say it was between 8 and 10. As a film, it was something I could identify with, Being an outcast, not quite having a place to fit.


I don't know why that's relevant but today I've been feeling a little like the Sword of Damocles has been hanging over my head. I also feel like I'm at the start of a really big downer.


Today I took a great big leap. I actually registered with my GP and I have an appointment on Thursday!! YIKES!! 


I was stood in the reception area and there was no one there and I was tempted to leave but something made me stay and wait!! 


The receptionist asked me if I was available on Thursday and I will be honest, I was so tempted to say no and run out but I stood firm and I said YES! 




I can't help but wonder what my GP is going to be like... Will they be a pill pusher or will they offer me alternatives?! 

So... Thursday...! I will finally be going to see my GP! Let's see what it brings!! (EEP

Keep Smiling :):