Saturday, 12 November 2011

Hello Mania my old friend!

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So I got manic this week. It's been a long time since I've felt manic. It was kind of nice but scary at the same time. 


I got the usual feelings of euphoria, feeling like I'm amazing, the best thing ever, feeling totally 110% happy. I decided to use it to my advantage for once and I wrote a letter for my psychiatrist. The only thing is, not only did writing it manage to bring me down from my manic high, when I re-read it I felt it was a one way ticket to Crazyville!! 




One of my friends and one member of my family have also written letters for me. I asked the ex and I'm still waiting for a decent response! I also asked another ex, the guy who first convinced me I needed therapy and he said "I don't know what good it would do, you were always fine when you were with me" Well thanks GENIUS! Why did you recommend I go to therapy in the first place then! 

You know, it's true that when you have a break down it is a sure fire way to find out who your true friends are!! 

The night I got my heart trashed I was on the phone to one of my greatest friends, I was crying my eyes out and I wanted to die. She saved me, she saved my life. 


The following weekend I went home, he was going to a friend's birthday and seemed to have no regards as to how dangerous it would have been to actually leave me alone...! A friend back at home rescued me too. She's a very special friend and I'm not sure she realises quite how special she is.  When we first met, I'll admit, I didn't like her! I thought she was a stuck up cow! Of course, this was jealousy given that she was my boyfriend's best friend but I didn't like her! After the relationship broke down, she stayed friends with me. I wasn't too sure why as I don't think I'd ever been particularly nice to her! She showed me a good time on the Saturday night and I felt like she genuinely wanted me there and she hadn't just invited me out of pity. I know at some point she will read this blog and she already knows that I love her but I want to still extend a high five her way!! *CLICK* 


So anyway, now that I'm "over" my mania I'm not sure what I want to do with the letter I wrote! It was hard to write and even harder to read back and realise what kind of person I truly am!! 

I kind of got knocked of my 'pedestal' with my last blog as someone told me that my blog is likely to cause people to kill themselves so please, allow me just to point something out:

YES, I AM A CUTTER AND TO ME IT IS THE ANSWER TO A LOT OF MY PROBLEMS - HOWEVER, IF I AM TALKING TO SOMEONE AT RISK OF CUTTING I WOULD ALWAYS SUGGEST ALTERNATIVES! 

To that end, if YOU think my blog makes people want to kill themselves then DON'T READ IT! I write it for ME and NO ONE ELSE! 

Keep Smiling :(:


Thursday, 3 November 2011

Fighting an uphill battle

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I had an appointment with my GP a few weeks ago to have some blood taken to test for vitamin/nutrient deficiencies. I got my results back Monday and I'm apparently deficient in vitamin D. No explanation as to what vitamin D does to the body (I had to google it!) and no explanation as to how or why this might have happened!

When they called me for my consult they just said to get some supplements from a local chemist or something and that's it! About 10 minutes later the nurse called back and asked me to come in for a face to face consultation with the doctor. I went in tonight and she basically told me NOTHING!


I asked many questions but apparently "We still don't know ourselves what these vitamins do to our bodies." Well... if you're the fucking doctor and cant tell me shit what hope do I have?! 

Also, the doctor I saw last time who was supposed to be speaking with my psychiatrist STILL hasn't spoken to her because she is "difficult to get hold of"!! 

I know... I'll just go to the surgery and take a knife to my wrists and maybe then they'll fucking listen?! 

What do I have to do to MAKE someone listen to me?! Any fucking wonder the statistics for suicide in mental health patients is so high?! 



I'm fortunate (or unfortunate, depends how you view it!) in that I don't cut to kill. I'm actually afraid of death and that's probably part of the reason I haven't yet killed myself! I'm also worried about how it would affect my friends and family! See...? always putting others first! 

Well, until next time,

Keep smiling :):