Sunday, 29 April 2012

Whirlwind!

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Wow I can't actually believe it has been so long since I blogged last!!

My last blog was before I switched my meds and BOY has a lot gone on since!! I'm not going to go into too much detail because first of all, it's all a little scary and second of all, I'm off to temple in half an hour!!

The past month for me has been an uphill battle! I have been a little all over the place with everything and it's most likely due to my medication switchover.



I was on a lower dose of Mirtazapine for 2 weeks if I remember rightly and that really knocked me for six! Despite Mirtazapine having no apparent effect on my wellbeing it was obviously doing something to my head! I had the WORST case of vertigo!! I've suffered mild vertigo in the past but this was shocking! All I had to do was look in a different direction too quickly with my eyes and it would cause my head to swim and for the worst wave of nausea to wash over me!! 



The other side effect I seem to have had is I forget words. Simple everyday words that I use in conversation a lot just disappear from my brain! I think it's a bit too soon to see what effects it has had on my mood.

I think the past few weeks have been a bit too crazy in order for me to see if the meds are actually helping! There was a HUGE family bust up with really caused me a lot of emotional trauma and a fight with a friend that made things seem even worse! To top it all off, I split with my new boyfriend after he did something totally unforgivable and then I got involved with someone else who rejected me on the basis of my illness. That one hit me the hardest! I'd not known him that long but there was a certain connection between us, we had a LOT in common.



I met him at a friend's birthday and we hit it off right away. He then texted me endlessly for 2 weeks. He seemed to like me as much as I liked him and so we decided that we ought to spend some time together to get to know one another, he came from his home town to visit me in my home town and we got along famously, we went and enjoyed the football together, laughed at the same misfortunes someone else was suffering, enjoyed pizza and a chat with a very nice single mother and her daughter. I was feeling rather good about the whole thing. You would have thought though by now that I would have learned that when things SEEM too good to be true, they usually are!! After our lovely afternoon of football, beer, pizza and laughs we headed back to my place. He was really tired when we got back which was understandable given that he'd driven for 14 hours the previous night so it was forgivable. Somehow though I took this a little too personally and it made me feel quite edgy for reasons I cannot explain. When I feel like that it's best for me to remove myself from the situation so whilst he slept I decided to go to the shop. When I got back I was actually feeling much worse and he was awake. He asked if I was feeling ok but I couldn't find the words to communicate with him.



From that point I can't actually remember the events that followed but I know that in the end we decided to watch a film together and both of us fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning I had a very big anxiety attack. I couldn't think straight and it resulted in me having a very large and unbearable panic attack! I'd gone to the shop and when I arrived back he was awake and was telling me I looked rather flushed. He found this amusing. Of course he wasn't to know about why I was having a panic attack but his laughing made me feel even worse. I decided there and then that I had to get out of London for a few days otherwise I would have a rather large melt down! 

I asked him if I could accompany him in the drive back to his hometown which is incidentally the same place I grew up so I could stay with friends and family and he said yes. The drive home was rather awkward and after he dropped me at my friend's place he ceased communication with me! I stayed at home for 5 days which I think was a big mistake!! I ended up having my heart broken by a guy I have realised I may have loved for more than 10 years! 



Saying that though, I did have a fantastic time with two of my oldest and closest friends! 

So now I'm trying to straighten my head out a little and get back on the right path. I'm coming to the end of my final year at uni which has kind of hit me hard but hopefully things will improve once I move and get myself properly settled! 

I had been toying with the idea of "coming out" to my boss but I have decided not to tell her anything. I took advice from all my wonderful Facebook friends so thanks guys!! 

I have started to attend a Buddhist temple to learn meditation which so far is going good. I am hoping it will help me balance my mind a bit better.

There is a lot more I could write but I'm a little out of sorts with my writing recently! I'm hoping I'll be back regularly blogging again soon!! 

Keep Smiling :(: