Just over a year ago I went through a very bad relationship breakdown.
You may recall the song I quoted by Jimmy Ruffin - What Becomes of the Broken Hearted. Well it seems, more than a year on, I have now reached this part of the song:
I know I've got to find,
Some kind of peace of mind,
I'll be searching everywhere,
Just to find someone to care.
I'll be looking everyday,
I know I'm gonna find a way.
Nothings gonna stop me now,
I'll find a way somehow.
I'll be searching everywhere...
I have actually found not only a man to give my heart to but one who has returned his to me.
I actually haven't thought about 'him' in quite some time but what I have thought about is how I felt that day. I was quite literally on the edge of life and ready to plunge head first into the icy fire of death. It was all set out. I'd downed the vodka, knife was in hand and lake was before me... I was going to end it all.
My Mr Aussie and I went to a park some time back, before we'd actually decided to be together, and sat by a lake. For me, it was a test to see if there were any residual feelings left over from my previous life. I'm pleased to say that there weren't! What I also realised at that point was no matter what went on for the rest of my life, I wanted Mr Aussie to be a part of it in some capacity.
After that evening, I'd been feeling a mass of confusion and conflict. On the one hand, here is this guy who is so sweet, so kind, so gentle, so honest and so right but on the other hand there was me, with a heart broken so bad there could possibly be no way to fix it.
However, I have decided to take that leap, to give Mr Aussie my heart and to trust that he won't break it. Honestly, I genuinely think that he wont break my heart. If anything, I may well break his. I really hope that I don't but it is possible.
Before we got together I sent him countless warnings but he still came for me, relentless, unwavering, determined to have me. Well, I guess there's only so many times you can say no before you just decide "FUCK IT! Why shouldn't I be happy?!" And guess what? I actually AM happy. I can actually feel it too!! I wish I could describe it to you so that you may share in it but I actually have no idea how to describe this feeling!!
I know I still have a long way to go and the road is full of danger and darkness but with My Aussie holding my heart, I can make it through to the other side!!
Today it has been 2 weeks since I cut myself. I know it's not long but it's a start. I have decided that if I can go cut free for 6 months then I will treat myself to a tattoo to cover up the scars. I am still working on what I want specifically but I am thinking along the lines of a phoenix rising from the flames.
I have made myself a little inspiration board that I hang on my bedroom wall and update daily. It is full of little quotes and snippets to try and keep myself on the right track.
Anyway, I have to go to uni now, I just wanted to share my happiness with everyone after so much darkness.
As ever, thanks to each and every reader. If I could shake each one of you warmly by the hand, believe me, I would. Unfortunately, you are all scattered about the globe and I am but one person! Besides, I'm still anonymous. Although, what do you think of my new header image? That's actually me!!
Keep Smiling :(: