Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Reflecting...

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Just over a year ago I went through a very bad relationship breakdown.

You may recall the song I quoted by Jimmy Ruffin - What Becomes of the Broken Hearted.  Well it seems, more than a year on, I have now reached this part of the song:


I know I've got to find,
Some kind of peace of mind,
I'll be searching everywhere,
Just to find someone to care.
I'll be looking everyday,
I know I'm gonna find a way.
Nothings gonna stop me now,
I'll find a way somehow.
I'll be searching everywhere...



I have actually found not only a man to give my heart to but one who has returned his to me.




I actually haven't thought about 'him' in quite some time but what I have thought about is how I felt that day. I was quite literally on the edge of life and ready to plunge head first into the icy fire of death. It was all set out. I'd downed the vodka, knife was in hand and lake was before me... I was going to end it all.

My Mr Aussie and I went to a park some time back, before we'd actually decided to be together, and sat by a lake. For me, it was a test to see if there were any residual feelings left over from my previous life. I'm pleased to say that there weren't! What I also realised at that point was no matter what went on for the rest of my life, I wanted Mr Aussie to be a part of it in some capacity.

After that evening, I'd been feeling a mass of confusion and conflict. On the one hand, here is this guy who is so sweet, so kind, so gentle, so honest and so right but on the  other hand there was me, with a heart broken so bad there could possibly be no way to fix it.



However, I have decided to take that leap, to give Mr Aussie my heart and to trust that he won't break it. Honestly, I genuinely think that he wont break my heart. If anything, I may well break his. I really hope that I don't but it is possible.

Before we got together I sent him countless warnings but he still came for me, relentless, unwavering, determined to have me. Well, I guess there's only so many times you can say no before you just decide "FUCK IT! Why shouldn't I be happy?!" And guess what? I actually AM happy. I can actually feel it too!! I wish I could describe it to you so that you may share in it but I actually have no idea how to describe this feeling!! 

I know I still have a long way to go and the road is full of danger and darkness but with My Aussie holding my heart, I can make it through to the other side!! 



Today it has been 2 weeks since I cut myself. I know it's not long but it's a start. I have decided that if I can go cut free for 6 months then I will treat myself to a tattoo to cover up the scars. I am still working on what I want specifically but I am thinking along the lines of a phoenix rising from the flames.

I have made myself a little inspiration board that I hang on my bedroom wall and update daily. It is full of little quotes and snippets to try and keep myself on the right track.



Anyway, I have to go to uni now, I just wanted to share my happiness with everyone after so much darkness.

As ever, thanks to each and every reader. If I could shake each one of you warmly by the hand, believe me, I would. Unfortunately, you are all scattered about the globe and I am but one person! Besides, I'm still anonymous. Although, what do you think of my new header image? That's actually me!! 

Keep Smiling :(:


Sunday, 21 October 2012

Don't dream it, be it

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Where have I been recently? To hell and back! Seriously! Just when I think things can't possibly get any worse, something even more fucked up happens in my life!! I have been getting a lot of trouble from an "ex" who has been trying to tear me down and make a fool out of me and that's just the smallest thing!!

I have been drinking a lot of late! I know it's not good for me but I have needed to blot out a lot of shit that has been going on in my life!! For the past... oh, 3 weeks or so I have been completely manic. Let's face it I have been out of control! I have spent an inordinate amount of money, mostly on alcohol, and I have practically been on the ceiling!!


There are a lot of things I have come to realise lately. I think I have probably always known these things but never really acknowledged them.

The biggest thing is allowing myself to be happy. I am sure some of you have been through this and I would love to hear about your experiences.

I deny myself happiness. I will either avoid situations that will make me happy or I will sabotage what I have with someone. I guess that fits in with my self destructive personality.


We all have a self destruct button and some of us can't help but poke at it. It's not that I want to be unhappy, some people who don't know me so well believe that I enjoy being miserable. They believe I want to be this way... Oh how little they know! 

I met this guy through an online dating site and he seemed rather nice and strangely seemed very interested in me. We had three dates but on the third date, we were at my place boozing and taking cocaine until 6am! That's not good! I haven't actually seen him since then and I've not heard from him in a while either. I think it's safe to say that I got out of that one before things got out of hand! I do very much so have an addictive personality and I know that a relationship with this guy could have easily destroyed me and everything I have worked so hard to achieve! I also have a history of using both alcohol and drugs to blot out bad times and I don't wish to go down either of those roads again!! 

I do seem to have these habits though of attracting strange and unusual people!! A few weeks ago one of my very close friends came to visit me and as per a little tradition we created we went to this really nice pub. Initially we were going there just for food... £250 later, I was stealing someone's kebab and eating ice cream off the floor!!  During the course of the evening, my friend and I ingratiated ourselves with a very sweet Aussie bar man. We invited him to join us for a drink after his shift which he politely declined but after much arm twisting he did! We ended up having a wonderful evening and now seemingly Mr Aussie is now my other half! Stranger things have happened I suppose.  I have also met both of his parents (I met his dad whilst I was hung over and wearing a towel!) and we get along very well!! 

I was reading something earlier that interested me about the correlation between people with BPD (which is what we are saying I have for now) and people with tattoos. Obviously, not all people with BPD have tattoos and not all people with tattoos have BPD but there is a connection and I certainly have that link.

For me, a tattoo is a way of causing myself pain without people thinking I'm an attention seeker. Although, there is another kind of stigma altogether connected with tattoos, one which I face daily along with my coloured hair!!  I would be interested to hear from anyone in similar situations who enjoy the pain of a tattoo!

I have been writing this blog for about 2 weeks now so I'm trying to remember everything that has gone on since my last one. One thing that happened recently, I had a very near breakdown whilst working. I moonlight occasionally as a photographer shooting a live performance show. I've been involved with this show since they started out in June last year and I have thoroughly enjoyed my time working with such beautiful people but for the sake of my own sanity I had to take a step back. 

However, I do have some new ventures in the works. I am going to be working as a volunteer mentoring a child who has had a difficult upbringing. I had a troubled childhood myself and I feel that I have a lot to offer a child. I just finished my 2 days training today and I am completely exhausted but it is something I have wanted to do for a very long time! I am also working on a novel which will be fun!! 

I am also moving again soon so that will be a bit of a challenge too!! 

I guess the thing to take away from this blog is, "If you can dream it, you can do it" (Walt Disney). 

I think I will end my blog here for now as I have written quite a lot and my mind is starting to race trying to think what else to write!! 

Do be sure to give me a shout either via Facebook or by writing in my Questions section. Also, please do come and make some Suggestions as to what you may like me to write about next! I really do enjoy the feedback I receive from this blog.

Until next time,

Keep Smiling :(: