Friday, 22 February 2013

RAGE!!!!

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Today I have decided to write about my rage problems. I'm not talking about your normal 'anger' issues, I'm talking all out I WANT TO KILL SOMEONE RIGHT NOW murderous blood boiling rage!!

I have always had anger issues. I never really know how to control my anger much like the rest of my emotions. Anger is the worst one for me though. It escalates so quickly that it makes my head spin!

Today was a very bad day. It was quite infuriating because it actually started off so well. Next year will be my final year at university and I was hoping to do my final year project on mental health. Specifically regarding children. I had been hoping to conduct a study in a mental health facility but last week my supervisor told me it could take up to a year to get NHS ethical approval. This was a bit disheartening for me as it was something I was really keen on. However, I'm not one to quit easily and when someone tells me I can't do something it makes me want to do it all the more. Somehow, for some reason, someone was smiling down on me today and I received an email from my uni mentor telling me that his wife is part of an ethics committee for psychiatric research and he may well be able to pull a few strings for me. This made me so happy!!


And so, it was with a happy heart that I set off for uni this afternoon. I was churning over ideas for my project and hoping that my supervisor would allow some string pulling to fast track my ethics approvals. 

Now, I'm not one to 'follow' fashion as they say. I like to do my own thing when it comes to how I dress. Admittedly, I like it when people look at me when I look a little outrageous. It gives me confidence in some perverse way. Today, I didn't think I looked too outrageous by my own standards...! Honestly! However, I received a lot of dirty looks and snide comments about how I was dressed! I don't even understand it. I mean, if I look ridiculous, surely that's my own fault right? Surely no one has the right to make rude comments about me? Needless to say, by the time I got to the tram station this morning I was feeling a little insecure and anxious and was thinking that wearing my crazy shoes was a mistake...! 




I figured I ought to just shrug it off and continue planning my final year project planning. I missed my tram by a few seconds and that annoyed me a little. The next tram wasn't for another 10 minutes. I sat reading my book and ignoring the comments and stares I was getting. When my tram arrived I sat down and put my bag over my feet as my anxiety was really getting bad. The tram was then delayed before the last stop as the driver had gone to the wrong platform and there was already another tram there. This made me miss my connecting train by another 10 seconds! This made me cross but I decided it wasn't that big a deal. I stood outside the train station having a cigarette to calm my nerves and that's when I realised I had left my student ID card in my other coat. I was a bit frustrated but I knew I could get a temporary pass. 




I got to uni and I was supposed to be meeting a friend. I figured I'd go to the office to get my temporary ID sorted as her bus was delayed. I went to the main building and they told me I'd had the maximum number of cards allowed for this academic year and I was to go to the Student Centre. As I exited the building there were 3 guys walking spread out across the pavement and they were going incredibly slow! I needed to move quickly as I had 15 minutes until my lecture. I couldn't get around them and I was getting frustrated! I don't understand a person's need to walk so slow! I got around them and half ran to the Student Centre. I waited 5 minutes at the main desk only to be told to join the queue to the left. I stood in what I thought was the queue until I realised that I had to check myself in for an 'appointment' at the desk. I did this and saw that the waiting time was 12 minutes.  I was irritated by this but I needed to get a replacement pass! After standing in the queue for 5 minutes, I overheard a lady at another desk saying that she was the one who dealt with ID cards. Again, I became more irritated as I'd wasted time in a queue I didn't need to be in and within the 5 minutes I was stood in the wrong queue, 10+ people had joined the right queue! I realised I was going to be late to class and my anxiety was getting quite high! 



When I got to the front of the queue, I explained my plight and asked for a temporary day pass. I was informed that since I'd used the maximum number of temporary passes I'd have to purchase a new one. I explained that I knew where my card was and I didn't need a new one, I just needed a temporary one to get me to my classes today. I was informed again that it wasn't possible to issue me with any more temporary passes and that the only way to go to my lectures would be to buy another pass. I explained that I had no money anyway and buying a replacement was not an option. Still I was refused!  By this point I was quite angry! I understand the need for security and all but it was highly irritating that I could not get another pass! I'd only used a paper pass three times before and I wasn't aware there was an upper limit on the number of passes we could be issued! No pass - no entry! I had no choice but to go home! 




I was incredibly cross because of this. I felt like I'd wasted my money getting to uni only to be told to go home! I stomped off towards the train station and decided to pick up some milk on the way so I could have a cup of tea when I got home. 

The first shop I went into had such a big queue and the mood that I was in was not conducive to standing around with so many people. My anxiety was really high by this point! I decided to go next door to Tesco. I hadn't anticipated that there would be an issue in Tesco but I couldn't have been more wrong! Stood in the doorway was a group of about 15 people. Whether together or not they were all completely in my way. I tried politely to ask people to move out of my way and after saying "Excuse me" 4/5 times I just exploded and I screamed "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY!!!" Then I stomped through the crowd to get my milk! Now, this may seem like a bit of an over reaction but I HATE being waylaid when I'm trying to get something done! 





I was quite upset by this point! I really dislike getting angry because I know how bad it can get! It's even worse since I've stopped self harming! I am 89 days cut free now. That is almost half way to my six-month target! Cutting used to be such a release for me, it helped me so much and now that I don't have that release I find it difficult to vent things such as anger. 

By the time I got home, I couldn't think straight. That is the worst part of my anger. My mind goes funny and I can't gather my thoughts properly, then I become paranoid. I think that everyone is pointing and laughing at me. I feel like everyone is against me, willing me to fail or make a fool of myself. That in turn makes my anger worse and it is like a vicious circle. The more angry I get the more paranoid I become and the more that makes me angry! 




Paranoia is such a debilitating feeling just on it's own. When coupled with anger, it's pretty nasty! I tried the usual things, chanting my mantra NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO, I tried listening to music that lifts me, dancey music, silly music. Nothing worked. 

The thing is, with my anger, it's the little things that really tick me off! Like now for example, as I lie here writing my blog, my trackpad on my laptop keeps going weird. It's been like this for a while now and it makes my blood boil! If something big happens it doesn't bother me so much. Like my first day at uni, there was a road traffic accident and the whole of Vauxhall bus/train station was closed off and I had no idea how to get to where I was going. I wasn't angry. I was anxious about being late, anxious about getting lost but not angry. As I sit here writing my blog my Mr Aussie is asleep next to me. He snores VERY loud. It's not his fault I know that. I try to nudge him to make him stop and he does for a few seconds but then he starts all over again and I just find myself wanting to smother him with a pillow! 




It's not his fault that I feel this anger. It's me! I just wish I knew how to control it better as I know perfectly well what I'm capable of when pushed to my absolute limit! I was in an abusive relationship some time ago and he pushed me so far that I almost killed him! I didn't like how that felt. I turned to drugs and alcohol to blot out what I'd very nearly willingly done. I don't want to get to that point ever again! 

I have tried a lot of things to channel my anger. I love crafting. I try meditating. I go for walks. I read. Listen to music. All of these things are great for diffusing tension but in the heat of the moment I simply cannot control my rage and I just explode! I wish I knew where this inability to express anger in a healthy way began. I was always a very angry person, even in childhood as far as I can recall. I would get angered by silly little things as a child which was so strange given that I was such a calm child! Even when I was being beaten and bullied at school I never got angry...! 



Anyway, I have to end my blog here as I can feel my anxiety welling up. It's 2:19am and I have to go to uni tomorrow! Time to put in my ear plugs and try very hard to go to sleep!!  Again, I apologise for my incoherence but I needed to write in order to clear my head before I attemted to sleep!! 

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day! 


Keep Smiling :): 

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Where are we going??

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I haven't been around for a while, I've been all over the place! Do you ever feel like you've been going round in circles for such a long time? No matter what you do you always end up at the same place?

This is how I've been feeling lately! I'm trying to make slow steady changes in my life to help myself get better but I always end up right back where I started.

It's incredibly hard to break bad habits. No matter how much we realise these habits are bad we still have this need to keep them up. These are addictions...! Also, why is it we can give advice to people but we can't seem to take it for ourselves? Do we feel we're not worthy? I do!

Just recently, I wrote a programme for people who suffer self-injurious behaviour as a project for university. I got very good feedback on this. It's something I know a lot about having been injuring myself for more than 15 years.

However, I cannot seem to take these things on board for myself. I'm still being pushed to the bottom of the pile with my CMHT as I'm not a "risk". What am I supposed to do? I want to get the help that I know that I need, I don't want to have to be sectioned in order to obtain this help but I'm not enough of a risk?!


I'm not just asking for help! I'm screaming and crying for it! I know that I need help, I accept this now more than I ever have in my life but I'm simply not a priority!! What if I were to hospitalise myself? Well, It'd affect my job, I wouldn't be able to work therefore I wouldn't be able to pay my bills at home. My flatmates may then feel a certain sense of responsibility for me, my family and friends would ask why didn't I come to them for help. I'd likely be forced to take medication... It'd disrupt the entire facade that I have worked for many years to build.




Things have been incredibly difficult for me recently. Those of you who "know" me well will know that I am a student at university. My last semester was terrible. I was completely unable to get my work done to a standard I know I'm more than capable of. Why could I not do this? I simply could not be bothered! Now I know that is a terrible excuse but it's true nonetheless! I have been incredibly bored with my second year of uni and when I am bored I find it difficult to make any sort of effort!

You may also know that I am involved in a new relationship.

It was difficult for me to accept that someone would actually be interested in me enough to date me and to actually love me after my track record recently! I haven't had a good run of it let's just say that. However, Mr Aussie is different. I don't know why, I can't really explain it. He's younger than me and that makes things quite difficult as I forget that there is a 6 year age gap. I also forget that I have WAY more life experience than many 28 year old women I know. I guess he understands me in a way not many people can. You see, both of his parents have some form of mental health issues. It's not my place to go into detail about his family life but he has lived with it and seems to understand it much better.




 
Many people don't understand mental illness. There are a number of reasons for this but I suspect that the main reason is ignorance. We live in such a world that everyone ought to know at least a little about mental health issues since it is so prevalent in society these days. However, I'm ashamed to say that many of my fellow humans are simply ignorant to mental illness. I understand that they may not have been taught about mental health as such and that is ok, it's not that which I find frustrating. It's people who believe things they read in the media about mental health. Like we're all dangerous, we're all crazy, we'd kill you if we just had a knife to hand... None of this is strictly true! Yes, there are mentally unwell people who HAVE killed people, who ARE dangerous but the two are NOT synonymous!

I was on the tram the other morning heading to university when I overheard a conversation between two women with children:

Woman 1: "Oh yeah he has a mental disorder, he's a psycho"
Woman 2: "That's not good, you shouldn't let him near your kids he'd probably kill one of them or something"
Woman 1: "Yeah they're all the same, they're all fucking crazy"

At this point I tuned out what they were saying lest I went over and smashed one of them in the face!!
 



Ignorance is not and will never be blissful. It is incredibly dangerous to be so ignorant.

Another conversation I had to fight to keep out of was one on Facebook between a friend of mine and a friend of theirs who I didn't know:

K: "Yeah she cuts herself all the time"
S: "OMG why would she do that?"
K: "Cos she's a fuckin attention whore!"
S: "Stupid cow does she think that anyone would give a shit if she killed herself?"
K: "I know yeah, the world would be a better place without her ugly ass face anyway LOL"
S "LOL"

I can scarcely believe that people hold such beliefs!!

I had a bit of an awkward moment at uni on Tuesday. Some of you may have seen the scar that I have on my right forearm. It is from a burn that I inflicted upon myself in a manic state. One of my uni friends asked me about it:

Her: "What's that scar on your arm?"
Me: *Trying to cover scar* "Oh, it's nothing"
Her: "It looks really bad"
Me: "Yeah it was, it's fine now though, it happened last year"
Her: "How did you do it?"
Me: "Oh, I don't really want to talk about it"




It's so difficult to try and explain my self injurious behaviour to people because I don't believe you can really fully understand it until you have been through it yourself. It is scientifically proven that self harm actually helps sufferers with Borderline Personality Disorder as can be seen in this article here.

It's hard to know where to go with my blog at the moment. I'm not really in much of a fit state to continue to write it regularly however, I don't want to shut it down as I know it is of benefit to me as well as others. I did have more stuff to write but my head is a little bit of a mess at the moment so I'll end it here and try to get back as soon as possible. 


Keep Smiling :(: