Saturday, 9 March 2013

100+

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Sorry for the late blog! I did promise to write one for my 100 days cut free but I was really busy then I went away for a few days! Now I'm back so here is my blog!!




I'm now 104 days cut free. It has probably been one of the hardest things I've ever done! people have asked me how I stopped. In all honesty, I have no idea! I guess it's will power? I'm not sure. Over the last 100 days or so I have had a lot of things going on. My life has become incredibly challenging since I've not been able to cut.

My cutting has been replaced by explosive rage. I lose it completely over the smallest of things. I've always had anger issues and I have always found anger difficult to express my anger in a calm safe way. None of the doctors I've been to has ever seen that there is a problem there. I'll tell you, if you go to every home I've lived at over the past 8 years, you'll find glass embedded in a wall somewhere! This used to be what I would do. I would throw a glass/plate/cup etc at the wall. Usually after someone has left the room!




There have been many many moments when I have wanted to cut so bad that it has been all I can think about. I sit in the bath tub and stare at my razors. I have the last blade I used attached to the magnetic strip on my laptop. It serves as a reminder I guess. 

The one thing that has kept me from cutting the most is the thought of getting my new tattoo to cover up my scars. I'm going for a phoenix as it's quite symbolic. Also, my leg is looking quite good these days.



At the most difficult times, I have suffered visual/auditory hallucinations among other things. I wrote about many of these things in my Withdrawal blog. It's still incredibly difficult and I am still suffering withdrawal but I think I am quite possibly over the worst of it.

So there you go, I have been an on/off self harmer for 15+ years and now I'm 104 days cut free!! If I can do it, I believe that anyone can!! 

Another thing I wanted to talk about in this blog is relationships. Though personal experience, I have found that creating and maintaining relationships incredibly challenging. I'm not just talking intimate relationships here. I find it very difficult to create and maintain any kind of relationship. The friendships that I seem to create can be emotionally draining. I am well aware that friendships require give and take but for the most part, I find that I'm the one who gives and everyone else takes! 





Trust is the biggest issue for me. I find it incredibly difficult to trust people. I find myself thinking "Why does this person want to be friends with me? What trick are they going to pull when my back is turned...?" Unfortunately, it is difficult for me to get out of that mindset as when I was at school people would pretend to befriend me only to rip the piss out of me. 

First impressions for me are vital. I can be quite intuitive and I find that I will know within the first 10 minutes or so if I want to be friends with someone. My intuition hasn't been too far off so far! 

I guess you could say I have different levels of friendships. I have a 'superficial' level; these are people I like to spend the least amount of time with. We will have been introduced by a mutual friend, have the same interests or something similar. Then I have friends who I enjoy being around. Friends I would open up to. Friends I would have on my 'Christmas card list' if I had such a thing...! 



Then there are the 'lifers'. These friends are people who I cannot imagine my life without. I can count the number of these friends on one hand! 

My anxieties are the hardest thing to cope with when it comes to meeting new people. A few weeks ago I went out with a friend I made at new years, she introduced me to a LOT of new people. It was a very difficult night for me, especially since a lot of these people also had mental health issues. It's not that I'm saying I can't be around other people with mental health issues. Not at all. It's just that it can be difficult when everyone else is sharing their issues and I feel incapable of speaking about my own. I guess that's down to my own insecurities. 

Incidentally, my 2 oldest and closest friends are also Bipolar. These two girls are the greatest people I have in my life. I don't get to see them as often as I'd like to but when we're together, it's like we were never apart!! 



Being in an intimate relationship is also very difficult. My previous long-term boyfriend couldn't come to terms with my illness. I wouldn't say that was his fault. I guess lack of knowledge of such things is not uncommon. The thing that was the most difficult about that relationship was that it was very one-sided. I loved him but he didn't love me back. That is, without doubt, one of the most painful experiences to deal with for me. I'd often tell him that he loved me and he just couldn't (or wouldn't) say it back. 

I guess it's safe to say I fall in love too easily. The reasons for this are many. I guess not having enough love and attention as a child made me crave that from others. I often sought out recognition and praise for the smallest of things. I was very proud of all of my achievements. That part hasn't changed although I require much less praise and attention now.

The relationship I am in now is different again. My Mr Aussie has grown up around mental health issues and most likely has his own. Hopefully some day he'll learn to open up to me and share his feelings so that our relationship can be stronger but I'm not going to push the issue. It's down to him to feel comfortable enough to open up.

We have hit some pretty rough patches in the short time we have been together. Someone tried to break us up recently by telling him that I'd been cheating on him! The cheek of it! But we've weathered the storms so far! 



Family relationships are also difficult. Just yesterday I found out my great uncle (my Nan's brother) passed away. I didn't really know him at all. I didn't really feel sad about him dying. That feels wrong to me. I feel like it ought to bother me a little more. 

My family can be incredibly difficult at times but they're the only family I've got! 

So there you have it!! The blog I promised.  Thanks so much to all of my Facebook friends who have been so supportive and as always, thanks to you, the reader, for continuing to read my story. Until next time,

Keep Smiling :):