I am manic as f**k! So manic that I am feeling my usual invincibility.
However, contrary to every single manic episode I have had up to this point (last year I had quite a few!) I have been in the grip of sheer terror! When I feel myself going into a manic phase, I don't stop myself because I know that I need to let things progress naturally otherwise things become compressed and it expands and BLAM! EXPLOSION!!
I am feeling, for no apparent reason, absolute joy, bliss, happiness, pleasure and other things I have no recognition off but I like how they feel!! My head feels clear and calm. My hands are rather shaky which is unusual I suppose but there is an underlying fear of experiencing things with which I am not familiar!
I feel like I am having an existential crisis right now. This is something I have experienced countless times. Why am I here, what am doing with my life, would the world really notice if I'm gone? I'm sure those of you who are familiar with my blog will have seen my crisis of self - there may have been more than one, right now I have no idea!
I put up a post on Facebook and wanted to share it here too because sharing is caring I suppose!
Rawr! My mania is now manifesting into a compulsion to connect with people. Typically, people terrify me but I think that the stark difference between Thursday night and early hours Saturday morning has got my head in a spin. I have felt more lonely, sad, depressed, worthless and all those negative things in the past few weeks than I remember ever feeling in my whole life.
Right now though, through chemical alterations in my crazy mixed up brain I am feeling the desire to connect with people. Whether we know each other IRL or only via here, if you need someone for anything, I'm here and I want to help. Via messages, phone, webcam or in person, I am offering myself to you who see this message.
Someone saved my life on Friday night and gosh darn it if that is not an opportunity to PAY IT FORWARD!!!!
PS this offer is all inclusive. Absolutely no subject is out of bounds. I will not judge. If I don't already know about it you can bet I'll want to learn about it.
Please help me utilize this mania. Ask me anything!!!!
Please be assured, I hold no judgement against anyone whatever you beliefs, fantasies, desires, feelings, compulsions, I take everything at face value and make assessments before making informed opinions that are subject to change when presented with enough compelling evidence. Everything that comes into my inbox is 100% confidential!!
I didn't actually manage to get this blog finished as my mania spiralled a little and I went on some crazy ramble about power and some such baloney...!
Here is a little update:
Mania is a cunt. Whichever way it goes. "Fun" mania seems to lead me to make decisions that will make my typical self feel ridiculously anxious. Talking with zero filter only serves to nake me look incredibly stupid and all the "doing stuff" has left me in excruciating pain!
FUCK MANIA! FUCK MANIC EPISODES! FUCK MENTAL HEALTH BULLSHIT!!
Gah I don't think I'll survive another manic episode. Positive OR negative! Give me depression or give me death!
I can't keep writing right now. My mind is still racing and OUCH everything hurts!